it's coming to an end

i have one day left of high school. the book is about to close on this chapter of my life and eventhough it's time i just can't believe it.

i remember walking down the halls staring at the ground my freshman year.. finally finding the darkroom, and a boy who changed my perspectives (and widened my universe).. discovering emerson and thoreau.. crying over boys, fights and other trivial matters.. getting ready to go out dancing or to parties.. having a crush.. being the homecoming queen.. going to concerts.. dating the rock boys..

looking back on it now, it was great. it was the way high school was suppossed to be for me. i didn't slow down, and i didn't mold into anyone's ideals..

now i have a summer to look forward to.. a summer of being in between and searching farther and deeper.

i can take long runs, take exciting vacations, read anaïs nin and pablo neruda, and just enjoy..

and i will.

never look back unless you intend to go that way.

frazzled

i'm feeling frazzled. there was no flow today.. just a lot of burnt ends and tired sarcastic comments.

a table fell on me when i was getting bread out of the backroom. while being trapped to the floor the used mopping water fell over me.

now it's time for my photography class.

good god.

daisy!

i am the proud owner of daisy, my new baby duck! i just gave her a bath in the sink, and chased her around the yard.

i'm eighteen going on twelve..

and i love it.

i needed to run today...

i ran to the playground i went to when i was just a little thing..

i used to chase tyler harpster, and threaten to kiss him. i used to pretend i was a movie star married to tom cruise, and we lived under the jungle gym. i used to wait to be picked for kickball, and i was always the last one chosen.

nothing has changed, and everything has. i'm still the same little girl on the same legs with the same dreams.

these past few days have slid through my fingers, but i have enjoyed my moments.. i haven't diminished my "to do list", but it's seeming less and less important in the large scheme of things.

i dropped icecream in his lap. i talked through two movies. i fell asleep.. but i was held.

(i have butterflies in my tummy again.)

all that matters passes before us now, at this moment. and assuredly we will not pass this way again...

so as i'm falling/breathing/loving/crying/sighing i'm trusting the moments.

"when i slow down long enough to smell the roses, i usually see the beauty and all else that is ours to share." - morgan jennings

amazing night.

six girls skating around ten year olds, laughing until doubling over, and wishing on shooting stars and streetlamps.

we're going to be okay. we're going to be more than okay.

oh dear.

ryan: watch...you'll find some hot stud and be married before you get out of college.
me: any guy who is referred to as a "hot stud" will never be my husband!
ryan: HAHAHAHA
ryan: I meant "HOT STALLION!"
me: "A REAL BRUTE OF A FRATERNITY BROTHER." hell yes.
ryan: your man!

i started reading number six fumbles..

and couldn't stop until i was finished. it was a bit like reading my own life..

"but you have to look at the big picture. it's not the last screw up. everybody screws up. all the time. maybe the coach is going to ream you, but he'll get over it. isn't that kind of comforting in a way? because that's pretty much the worst that can happen. you let something slip. and then the world does not fall apart. and your little brother still wants to be just like you."

"maybe i should try it."

"you don't have to try it. you can just know that it'll probably happen and if it does, you'll still be the same person."

since february tenth, i've felt as though an enormous weight has been lifted off of me. i am human, and i hope that is clear to everyone now. i have been known to put on a happy face when i feel like i'm breaking inside, and i don't want to do that anymore.

i've just turned eighteen.. i mess up. i've tried to hurt myself, and perhaps i've tried to hurt you. i have had bad boyfriends. i hide feelings i don't want to deal with. i'm just growing up.

i dropped the ball, but i picked it right back up.

earlier i wrote that high school has been just one big disappointment, and that's not completely true.. i've put myself into situations that could've been easily disappointing, and they were.. but there were so many good times too.. i loved when michelle and i would go to dances completely sober, and dance so crazy that the chaperones would ask to smell our breath.. i loved when hannah, jessie, michelle and i played four square outside the cog factory in the rain.. i loved when my boyfriend wrote 'i love you' in messy watercolor in the back of the art room, and then put it in my locker.. i don't miss it because it's not gone.. it's all still a great part of me, and has formed who i am today..

thank you.

i want to be mysterious and untouchable.

i want to travel to bali.

i want to wear lacy camisoles and flowers in my hair.

i want to live in a city where people still walk, and still stop to admire the beauty.

i want spring.

"yesterday, i saw so much unhappiness in people's eyes, all of us rushing somewhere. construction noise and dust filled the air; we could have been hurrying down some boulevard in hell. and I was reminded that this is hell unless i extend compassion to those around me. if my heart isn't open, i'm just another tourist here, collecting memories, looking for the perfect souvenir." - sy safransky

congratulations mr. safransky. you've hit it right on the head.