i started reading number six fumbles..

and couldn't stop until i was finished. it was a bit like reading my own life..

"but you have to look at the big picture. it's not the last screw up. everybody screws up. all the time. maybe the coach is going to ream you, but he'll get over it. isn't that kind of comforting in a way? because that's pretty much the worst that can happen. you let something slip. and then the world does not fall apart. and your little brother still wants to be just like you."

"maybe i should try it."

"you don't have to try it. you can just know that it'll probably happen and if it does, you'll still be the same person."

since february tenth, i've felt as though an enormous weight has been lifted off of me. i am human, and i hope that is clear to everyone now. i have been known to put on a happy face when i feel like i'm breaking inside, and i don't want to do that anymore.

i've just turned eighteen.. i mess up. i've tried to hurt myself, and perhaps i've tried to hurt you. i have had bad boyfriends. i hide feelings i don't want to deal with. i'm just growing up.

i dropped the ball, but i picked it right back up.

earlier i wrote that high school has been just one big disappointment, and that's not completely true.. i've put myself into situations that could've been easily disappointing, and they were.. but there were so many good times too.. i loved when michelle and i would go to dances completely sober, and dance so crazy that the chaperones would ask to smell our breath.. i loved when hannah, jessie, michelle and i played four square outside the cog factory in the rain.. i loved when my boyfriend wrote 'i love you' in messy watercolor in the back of the art room, and then put it in my locker.. i don't miss it because it's not gone.. it's all still a great part of me, and has formed who i am today..

thank you.