two thousand and eight

the new year has been a little rocky so far, part of that is my own fault and part of that is completely out of my hands. but though my vision has been more than a little clouded for the past week, i have so many little miracles in my life, so many small (and large) joys.

i found this blog post that i'd written when i was a freshman in college. i felt like i was taking advice from my nineteen-year-old self five years later.

"life used to be safe. i used to be able to predict my future that lie clear and concise like the lines on my hardwood floor. now i'm living day by day, always a little worried, always a little fearful, but finally living only day by day. i think i'm growing up. i know that beauty can only be found through a little conflict, a little confusion, never in monotony. (beauty can hurt, but beauty can change.)

as for the new year, i've decided to be a little easier on myself, my life, my friends, my family.. my mom has always said, "everybody's just trying to survive." that always seemed ugly to me, but it's the truth. it's why we let certain people in (and leave certain people out), it controls our every thought, emotion and motion. in previous years, my new year's resolution was to be perfect. ofcourse that never panned out. usually i headed in the opposite direction of perfect, and in the crazy span of life, that direction has lead me where i am right now.

i'm thankful for that."

"we don't, out of fear of the unknown, have to put up these blocks, these dams, that basically say no to life and to feeling life."

pema chodron