equilibrium

the past few days my insides have felt jumbled up and tangled together, with no real starting or ending point. nothing frustrates me more than feeling "off" and having no idea why. so what do i do? sit down with a pen and some paper and trying to figure out what the hell is going on. my ex-boyfriend always used to laugh and say i tried to rationalize things too much in order to figure them out. "just let it be," he'd say, though he could never do it himself. "you won't feel this way forever." but it's not that i wanted so much to rationalize it and pinpoint a problem, like you do when you have the flu. it's just that sometimes i feel too full (whether it's happiness or yuck) and i have to let some of it spill out. what came out on the page wasn't so much a problem, just me being overwhelmed with all of this living. i'm overwhelmed with being engaged by what's around me and overwhelmed by how much more i want to do. i just need to slow down a bit.

so today that's what i did. woke up slowly, made myself some eggs, got an almond latte, walked to work sans headphones, and really looked around. my equilibrium rediscovered.

"i write entirely to find out what i'm thinking, what i'm looking at, what i see and what it means. what i want and what i fear."

joan didion