i want to be mysterious and untouchable.

i want to travel to bali.

i want to wear lacy camisoles and flowers in my hair.

i want to live in a city where people still walk, and still stop to admire the beauty.

i want spring.

"yesterday, i saw so much unhappiness in people's eyes, all of us rushing somewhere. construction noise and dust filled the air; we could have been hurrying down some boulevard in hell. and I was reminded that this is hell unless i extend compassion to those around me. if my heart isn't open, i'm just another tourist here, collecting memories, looking for the perfect souvenir." - sy safransky

congratulations mr. safransky. you've hit it right on the head.

my mom bought lemons, tea and bubble bath.

we saw "i am sam" which definitely earned a spot on my top ten.

from "the alchemist" by paulo coelho:

"i don't live in either my past or my future. i'm interested only in the present. if you can concentrate always on the present, you'll be a happy man. you'll see that there is life in the desert, that there is life in the desert, that there are stars in the heavens, and that tribesmen fight because they are part of the human race. life will be a party for you, a grand festival, because life is the moment we're living right now."

.....

unfortunately i've gotten myself into trouble. hopefully through this i can begin to appreciate my life (right now).

i'm sorry to the people i've hurt.. but i still have a today and a tomorrow, and i am learning from yesterday.

i will write more once things have smoothed out.

a few days ago this house, this family and this girl seemed so bright, but once again things are slowly dimming. i'm so scared to fall back to my demise.. let myself get tiny, get lost in a drunken haze.

i just can't carry what people are throwing at me.

the tea isn't helping anymore.

i need somebody to hug me (then suffocate me).

from "cherry" by mary karr:
oh for chrissake, mother. come here, you say. when you hug her, she feels oddly pliable in your hands. she draws back to look at you with that abstracted expression she brings to her sculpture. she tucks a strand of hair behind your ear, pinching a caress along your jawline like it's clay she's shaping. but she's not shaping you anymore. she long ago asked you to shape yourself, occasionally tossing out a strand of worry for you to dismiss.

i think i need to cry

two more hours until this bad day is over.

7:50 a.m. i woke up on the wrong side of the bed.
8:45 a.m. i was forced to have a conversation with my ex-boyfriend who is a constant reminder of my stupidity, and ofcourse his own.
11:25 a.m. my car wouldn't start.
5:35 p.m. i had to go the mall.

stupid reasons, stupid day.

and i'm tired of feeling numb.

i'm eleven again

i went to the old market and took pictures. i had chai with a friend at delice.

i had tea with my mother on our front porch. i read her excerpts from "letters to a young poet." we talked about simplifying our lives.

i played football with my guys. i have a huge scatch on my arm, and grass burns on my knees.

this is definitely a day to remember. i feel eleven. i wish i could store this moment in a jar for the notsoperfect days.

sweet relief

just dropped my government class. give me pronouns and f stops any day, but i put my foot down at monarchies.

it's sixty degrees outside. the sun is shining. a perfect day for the homemade skirt and new pumas.

i have photography class tonite, and we are going to an art gallery opening in the old market.

i'm going to fix some tea.. maybe take a walk..

pink sky perfection

took my cousin to a movie today. she turned twelve ten days ago. she just got her ears pierced. she had a birthday party to go to tonite. they are going to do arts and crafts. she refreshes me. i love the way she looks at me.

after i took her home, i went to borders. i picked up "a journal of solitude" by may sarton and alana davis' first album. i drank a glass of chai. i could stay there for days. it's intimidating to see everything i don't know surrounding me, making me crave it that much more.

why do i have to anything except drink green tea and stare at a pink sky?

michelle and her family invited me over for dinner tonite. we ate butter cookies for dessert. i saw our microwave and new fridge for our dorm room. i hope her mom sends us butter cookies in the mail.

* i have not had any coffee today, and i am very proud of myself. i have drank enough tea to fill a wading pool.

with the lights off, it's less dangerous

i have my green tea.. my uncomfortable shoes off.. i'm glad to be home.

(why do i own any uncomfortable shoes?)

i saw "a beautiful mind" tonight. it's an amazing movie.

before that i had districts from improv. my group is going on to state. we performed at 10, but didn't leave until 3, so i spent most of the time listening to a tori amos album i picked up.

"so what's catching your eye these days?"
"people barefaced and offguard, and the underside of chairs."