i'm walking a straight but not fine line downtown trying not to stare awkwardly into anyone's eyes but trying too hard to look strong. sometimes i just want to sit down and cry, maybe break, but instead i have to throw it to the wind.
i'm so tired. i just want to take ten steps back and sit down.
"so be it, i'm your crow bar. that's what i am so far.. till you get out of this mess."
we're walking home and the sun is setting casting a pink glow over your skin and mine, and you turn to me and say, "what if.." and i silence you with a kiss because it makes me tired to think of the problems that may arise. you are asleep in my bed and i'm laying on the floor staring out the window at the pink sky that's quickly disappearing, and i begin to think "what if tomorrow this is gone.." and suddenly i realize that you may be the only thing that could make me believe in heaven and i crawl into bed with you and hold on for dear life.
i believe in love. i believe in daydreaming during every quiet moment. i believe in losing yourself, to find yourself again. i believe my little brother is going to have a lot less heartache, and be stronger. i believe in days dedicated to green tea, long naps and a good book. i believe in traveling lightly and often. i believe in taking photographs in black and white because color is restricting. i believe in sleeping in late. i believe in kissing noses. i believe in change. i believe in long drives with good conversation. i believe in rock and roll. i believe we should embrace, rather than criticize. i believe in mistakes. i believe that no person or situation is black and white, nor should be treated like it is.
* * * * *
if i had my life to live over, i'd try to make more mistakes next time. i would relax. i would limber up. i'd be sillier than i have been on this trip. i know a very few things i would take seriously. i would be less hygienic. i would take more chances. i would take more trips. i would climb more mountains, swim more rivers, and watch more sunsets. i would burn more gasoline and eat more ice cream and less beans. i would have actual troubles, and fewer imaginary ones. you see i'm one of those people who lives sensibly and sanely day after day.
oh, i've had my moments, and if i had my life to live over i'd have more of them. in fact, i'd have nothing else. just moments one after another instead of living so many years ahead each day. i've been one of those people who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, hot water bottle, rain coat and parachute.
if i had my life to live over i'd go places and do things and travel lighter than i have. if i have my life to live over i would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. i would play hooky more. i wouldn't make such good grades, except by accident. i'd ride more merry-go-rounds. i'd pick more daisies.
-nadine stair, age 85
