home?

alarm with no radio. chai tea in a bubblebath. opening the coffee shop. digging my fingers into hawaiian hazelnut. ryan adams "love is hell." instant fireplace. lorrie moore. godiva chocolates. queen size bed. running at the armory. ghosts. journal with black cover. watercolors. little brother. poorly made martinis.

"everyday that we wake up is a good day. every breath that we take is filled with hope for a better day. every word that we speak is a chance to change what is bad into something good. we aren't slaves.. this nation is at least a potential democracy. we need to wake up from this walking nightmare and realize that the sun is still shining.."

walter mosley

<3

so much has changed. i have changed. the more i learn, the smaller i am. the air smells different. white gardenia, perhaps. i began riding my bike again. i've decided i want to live in colorado, or northern california for awhile. i don't really want to live in new york city anymore. i want to move slower than that. layers have begun to peel away. it feels nice to have the sun on my skin.

(it's raining here today but it feels good, and i didn't open my umbrella.)

wishing on 1:11s
for cowboy boots
and a brave heart.
"you want a shot?"
"make that two.
the wishes ain't coming true."
third time around
he gives me
a lopsided smile
and i look
d
o
w
n.

Assignment Two/Creative Writing

I found my religion when I was fifteen years old. A passion for the city, for the chaos, for the unexpected. From the fire escape I could watch the city fold and unfold from morning till night. I’d sit, letting my legs dangle over the side, with a cigarette and cup of coffee. I’d watch the Korean man who owned the grocery across the street open up, and I’d watch him close. He’d move to the Rolling Stones on my headphones, sweeping, moving, folding, unfolding. Around eight, the crazy lady living below me would crawl out her window onto her fire escape wearing only trashy red lingerie smoking a long Virginia Slim. At precisely 8:02, the Korean grocery man would appear in the front window and steal long gazes at the crazy lady who was now posing, making an art of her slutty lingerie and long cigarette. After a long last look, he’d slip back into his store, as slowly as the crazy lady would slip into her half opened window. They’d both turn and look back at each other, but never at the same time. (He never knew that she wore that lingerie for him.) Around 8:08 I’d crawl back into the tiny apartment, step over the boys sleeping on the floor and pour myself another cup of coffee. (Out the window.)

“Hey, whatcha doin’ out here all the time?” asked Crack, sticking his awkward shaved head out the window.
“I’m watchin’,” I answered.
“That’s all you ever fuckin’ do.” He tilted his head and spit on the street below, then drug the back of his hand slowly across his mouth, and slinked back into the apartment.
I faced the street again, took a sip of my coffee, and watched a world that struggled to be predictable, as did I, day after day.

+/-

i haven't written since i left for iowa city. there's no way to sum up what has been going on and still make sense. a list will do.

+
cranberry smoothies
hendrix, my fish
the pet shop i found downtown that actually lets you play with the puppies!
my poetry teacher
long drives at night in a car i don't own
living on my own
a new yoga class
talking to my mom a lot
not drinking/finding other things to do
neko, my cousin's new puppy that i've only seen once
watching snow fall from a warm dorm room
tony ofcourse
xoxo
old pioneer co-op
iowa city before classes started
flavored bigelow fruit teas
bright pink toenail polish in the season where no one sees them
a spring break trip to LA (SUN!!!)
creative writing class
rhetoric teacher asking me out for a drink (cute guy that listens to modest mouse!)

-
freezing rain
poems i don't understand
superbowl
parking tickets
living on my own
my roommate's laziness
the stingy boy that moved in my boyfriend
worrying myself sick
what i believe is a sinus infection (a.k.a a brick in your head)
my girl doctor appointment
finding an apartment for next year

yes! the pluses outweigh the negatives.

life used to be safe. i used to be able to predict my future that lie clear and concise like the lines on my hardwood floor. now i'm living day by day, always a little worried, always a little fearful, but finally living only day by day. i think i'm growing up. i know that beauty can only be found through a little conflict, a little confusion, never in monotony. (beauty can hurt, but beauty can change.)

as for the new year, i've decided to be a little easier on myself, my life, my friends, my family.. my mom has always said, "everybody's just trying to survive." that always seemed ugly to me, but it's the truth. it's why we let certain people in (and leave certain people out), it controls our every thought, emotion and motion. in previous years, my new year's resolution was to be perfect. ofcourse that never panned out. usually i headed in the opposite direction of perfect, and in the crazy span of life, that direction has lead me where i am right now.

i'm thankful for that.

i'm walking a straight but not fine line downtown trying not to stare awkwardly into anyone's eyes but trying too hard to look strong. sometimes i just want to sit down and cry, maybe break, but instead i have to throw it to the wind.

i'm so tired. i just want to take ten steps back and sit down.

"so be it, i'm your crow bar. that's what i am so far.. till you get out of this mess."

we're walking home and the sun is setting casting a pink glow over your skin and mine, and you turn to me and say, "what if.." and i silence you with a kiss because it makes me tired to think of the problems that may arise. you are asleep in my bed and i'm laying on the floor staring out the window at the pink sky that's quickly disappearing, and i begin to think "what if tomorrow this is gone.." and suddenly i realize that you may be the only thing that could make me believe in heaven and i crawl into bed with you and hold on for dear life.

i believe

i believe in love. i believe in daydreaming during every quiet moment. i believe in losing yourself, to find yourself again. i believe my little brother is going to have a lot less heartache, and be stronger. i believe in days dedicated to green tea, long naps and a good book. i believe in traveling lightly and often. i believe in taking photographs in black and white because color is restricting. i believe in sleeping in late. i believe in kissing noses. i believe in change. i believe in long drives with good conversation. i believe in rock and roll. i believe we should embrace, rather than criticize. i believe in mistakes. i believe that no person or situation is black and white, nor should be treated like it is.

* * * * *

if i had my life to live over, i'd try to make more mistakes next time. i would relax. i would limber up. i'd be sillier than i have been on this trip. i know a very few things i would take seriously. i would be less hygienic. i would take more chances. i would take more trips. i would climb more mountains, swim more rivers, and watch more sunsets. i would burn more gasoline and eat more ice cream and less beans. i would have actual troubles, and fewer imaginary ones. you see i'm one of those people who lives sensibly and sanely day after day.

oh, i've had my moments, and if i had my life to live over i'd have more of them. in fact, i'd have nothing else. just moments one after another instead of living so many years ahead each day. i've been one of those people who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, hot water bottle, rain coat and parachute.

if i had my life to live over i'd go places and do things and travel lighter than i have. if i have my life to live over i would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. i would play hooky more. i wouldn't make such good grades, except by accident. i'd ride more merry-go-rounds. i'd pick more daisies.

-nadine stair, age 85

i've decided to live in iowa city this summer, and tony asked me to move in with him. i thought about it a lot, and as tempting as it is to wake up next to my boy everyday, i can't. today i'm in love, yesterday i was in love, but i really can't make guarantees on tomorrow. the last thing i want to do is stunt my own growth and experiences because i'm too scared to keep living. i want to walk around my apartment naked, lay in bed all day on sunday (sometimes alone), take long bubble baths. as much as i love being a part of something.. someone, i still value the time i have alone.