a blank canvas

from this beautiful blog"


i was talking to my friend morgan the other day about change…
about how even when it is good,
and you know you are doing the right thing,
it does not always feel comfortable.

like, what do you do with that spiritual awkwardness,
those evacuated spaces that used to occupy
so many thoughts and conversations?

my sweet friend said its like
someone is handing you a white canvas.
you don’t have to make a mark on it right away.
you can just be with it for awhile.

funny how this never occurred to me before.
why stick something there just for the sake
of not having it empty?
(that is probably how i winded up with a
storage unit full of shit i don’t know what to do with.)

i have to admit,
minus the pressure of a deadline,
life seems way more manageable this way.

i want to live a life
without notes.
without outside influence.
without evidence.

on being brave.

tonight at yoga kyra spoke about opening rather than resisting, and it really resonated with me. there have been a lot of things in my path lately that have been more than easy to resist - resist my dad's cancer, resist my grandma's death, resist problems at work. mostly resisting the fact that for the past month my heart has felt big and vulnerable and totally terrified. i can honestly feel it sometimes when i wake up in the morning, or when i go to bed. like this giant untamed orb in the center of my chest, needing a little attention, and instead i hunch my shoulders and go back to sleep.

all of this living requires a lot of bravery, whether we are aware of it every moment or not. there's a lot of putting yourself on the line, a lot of disappointment, but also tremendous amounts of love and compassion when we're ready for it. it's the reason i've turned to yoga and a reason that i plan on spending the rest of my life teaching others how to allow it into their lives too. because when i first laid down on that mat this evening, i wanted to either scream or cry or explode. but when i stood up i could hear my breath, slow and labrious. and i walked home rather slowly too, noticing the sharpness of the stars and the amount of garbage in our lawn. and then i shut the door and just cried.

and for that i thank you.

every moment.

“life moves on whether we act as cowards or heroes. life has no other discipline to impose, if we would but realize it, than to accept life unquestionably. everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. what seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy and strength, if faced with an open mind. every moment is a golden one.”
—henry miller

“It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing. It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive. It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wilderness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human. It doesn’t interest me if the story you’re telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.” — Oriah Mountain Dreamer

oh dear.

Christina: in santa fe, to dog sit, some people ask you about your sign before they'll agree.

me: hahahahahah
Christina: and they say things like...oh frodo doesn't really get along with cancers.

a little wisdom from my perfume bottle.

how you climb up the mountain is just as important as how you get down the mountain. and, so it is with life, which for many of us becomes one big gigantic test followed by one big gigantic lesson. in the end, it all comes down to one word. grace. it how you accept winning and losing, good luck and bad luck, the darkness and the light.
-philosophy

/practice/

practice is twofold. the first part is training; the second is the act itself. and these are not two things; when you train, the act itself is happening; when you are the act itself, your training is deepened. practice is to work "as if." the lawyer practices as if she or he were an attorney. the doctor practices as if she or he were a physician. being and learning are one and the same. it is just as though you were trying to play the piano with mozart's hands. at first such action "as if" is awkward, but with practice your music becomes your own best creation. in the same way, our zazen becomes your own best inspiration, and your interaction with others expresses the love which has been in your heart from the very beginning.

robert aitken

new soul

i love this song.

"I'm a new soul I can do this strange world hoping I could learn a bit about how to give and take.
But since I came here felt the joy and the fear finding myself making every possible mistake

I'm a young soul in this very strange world hoping I could learn a bit about what is true and faith.
But why don't please trying to comunnicate finding just in love is not always easy to make.

This is a happy end cause' you don't understand everything you have done wise everything so wrong."

f/e/b/r/u/a/r/y

happy february!

/sleeping in on sundays/my dad kicking this cancer in the ass/airing up those bike tires and going for a ride/reading/making some big changes/a daily yoga practice/going back to iowa/teaching my weekly tea and yoga class/brunch and bloody mary's with said/painting the office/finding my zen once again/a little more light in the evenings/cooking dinner

humbe invincibility

Humble Invincibility

The Truth is, time is not escaping me.
In fact, I gain more time as I grow older.

Walking slow takes time
Walking fast takes time

Which one will you chose?

We don't lose time when we get older; we gain time to reflect upon. Time to remember that days are ways to ends that birth beginnings. Salvation was not in birth or death or even needed. You are it.

As we have more decisions to make, the weight that sits on our shoulders progressively increases. Responsibility is what makes us grow older. The thought, "I must shape," I must do x, y, and z in order for "be" to happen.

So how do we not become burdened and stressed? What is it to grow young again?

We're told as our body ages, bones become weak, cells become slower to heal from injury and disease. We believe as the planets revolve around the sun we age and collect dust, layers upon our skin thicken... each layer another year, as a ring inside the trunk of a tree. Each passing year seems to take away just a little bit more of our belief… the first thing to be destroyed are possibilities… they are replaced by the idea of unfeasibility.

Who knew idealism would be stolen from us with age? Ripped from our hearts as the cost of living; in a world where so many are cornered to think life is about surviving. Life is more than just survival, surviving means nothing, if life is not worth living.

Life is more than just growing old; it is a graceful journey into the unknown. Life must be something beyond what we once thought... playing hide and seek with god.


Grow young... labor and love... labor for love... labor with love... make without thinking about what there is to receive in return. Give to someone without them knowing who it was.

So what is it to be young again?

Remember the days when the only care in the world was if mom would be there at the bus stop waiting for you to come home? Or, the first time you put on a baseball glove, maybe the first time you actually hit a jump shot, or perhaps it was the first time you wrote a poem, or rode a bike without your father holding on.

Inject novelty into your life. Remember there are no squares or circles that you must live in. Continue to learn… absorb… gaze wide-eyed at the world…
trust people before becoming suspicious of them.

Know there are things we can't prepare for. Be a child, filled with humble invincibility… a distinct, intrigued curiosity. Thirsty for knowledge and living… experiencing new things. Wanting to grow young again? Break out of routine. Know that age is not determined by the physical state of your body.
Today... wake up and scream as loud as you can!


Go for a stroll and leave your phone at home…just walk… slowly, stop and listen to leaves rustling… grow young… chase some birds in a park or dive fist first into a box of cookies…
waaaahhhhhaaaaw
why live if you can't enjoy what is around you?
Of course, I could expand on the previous sentence, but I won't.

Be a child on the swings… climb the monkey bars… fall off the tree and break your arm.
Crack it in a couple places and enjoy the moments when your friends come to visit and sign your cast. Allow the different colored markers to expedite your recovery.

Just when people think they know you… just when you think you know yourself… be fluid enough to not have reactions people expect. Surprise yourself daily. As a child, with every passing moment constantly reformulate and recreate yourself. Incessantly bend and stretch, how flexible children are. How easy it was to touch your toes when you were 5 years old.

Be a child again!