life used to be safe. i used to be able to predict my future that lie clear and concise like the lines on my hardwood floor. now i'm living day by day, always a little worried, always a little fearful, but finally living only day by day. i think i'm growing up. i know that beauty can only be found through a little conflict, a little confusion, never in monotony. (beauty can hurt, but beauty can change.)

as for the new year, i've decided to be a little easier on myself, my life, my friends, my family.. my mom has always said, "everybody's just trying to survive." that always seemed ugly to me, but it's the truth. it's why we let certain people in (and leave certain people out), it controls our every thought, emotion and motion. in previous years, my new year's resolution was to be perfect. ofcourse that never panned out. usually i headed in the opposite direction of perfect, and in the crazy span of life, that direction has lead me where i am right now.

i'm thankful for that.

i'm walking a straight but not fine line downtown trying not to stare awkwardly into anyone's eyes but trying too hard to look strong. sometimes i just want to sit down and cry, maybe break, but instead i have to throw it to the wind.

i'm so tired. i just want to take ten steps back and sit down.

"so be it, i'm your crow bar. that's what i am so far.. till you get out of this mess."

we're walking home and the sun is setting casting a pink glow over your skin and mine, and you turn to me and say, "what if.." and i silence you with a kiss because it makes me tired to think of the problems that may arise. you are asleep in my bed and i'm laying on the floor staring out the window at the pink sky that's quickly disappearing, and i begin to think "what if tomorrow this is gone.." and suddenly i realize that you may be the only thing that could make me believe in heaven and i crawl into bed with you and hold on for dear life.

i believe

i believe in love. i believe in daydreaming during every quiet moment. i believe in losing yourself, to find yourself again. i believe my little brother is going to have a lot less heartache, and be stronger. i believe in days dedicated to green tea, long naps and a good book. i believe in traveling lightly and often. i believe in taking photographs in black and white because color is restricting. i believe in sleeping in late. i believe in kissing noses. i believe in change. i believe in long drives with good conversation. i believe in rock and roll. i believe we should embrace, rather than criticize. i believe in mistakes. i believe that no person or situation is black and white, nor should be treated like it is.

* * * * *

if i had my life to live over, i'd try to make more mistakes next time. i would relax. i would limber up. i'd be sillier than i have been on this trip. i know a very few things i would take seriously. i would be less hygienic. i would take more chances. i would take more trips. i would climb more mountains, swim more rivers, and watch more sunsets. i would burn more gasoline and eat more ice cream and less beans. i would have actual troubles, and fewer imaginary ones. you see i'm one of those people who lives sensibly and sanely day after day.

oh, i've had my moments, and if i had my life to live over i'd have more of them. in fact, i'd have nothing else. just moments one after another instead of living so many years ahead each day. i've been one of those people who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, hot water bottle, rain coat and parachute.

if i had my life to live over i'd go places and do things and travel lighter than i have. if i have my life to live over i would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. i would play hooky more. i wouldn't make such good grades, except by accident. i'd ride more merry-go-rounds. i'd pick more daisies.

-nadine stair, age 85

i've decided to live in iowa city this summer, and tony asked me to move in with him. i thought about it a lot, and as tempting as it is to wake up next to my boy everyday, i can't. today i'm in love, yesterday i was in love, but i really can't make guarantees on tomorrow. the last thing i want to do is stunt my own growth and experiences because i'm too scared to keep living. i want to walk around my apartment naked, lay in bed all day on sunday (sometimes alone), take long bubble baths. as much as i love being a part of something.. someone, i still value the time i have alone.

if you ever wondered what i was here for, i can tell you today:
i was kicking my feet on the wall of the garden
with my back getting wet
from the rainwater you spilled on the grass.

i was watching the sky and the clouds spelled your
name backwards, i had to twist my head around
to see it the right way.

i cant promise you a world you want, or a world
without men bearing arms
or arms bearing fists
but i can promise you an umbrella from your rain
until the stormclouds break and show you
the way back home.

stand up

we are going to fly, now, like
an airplane on a collision course with the moon,
break that thing in two and let the man deep inside
finally see what he's been doing to the sea.

further along to the lines of saturn and
the moon of jupiter
where i will show you what your mother looked like
when she was simply made of stardust.

by ben at never-ever.net

i went running in the freezing rain tonight, just hoping to sort things out to the beat of my shoes on the pavement. i couldn't sort myself out.

i don't know if i want to be here. maybe i should look into another college. a different state, a different city.

i met a boy. he looks lost, writes like kerouac and bought me far too many drinks on friday night. we stayed up all night talking about how crazy life is, and kissing in between sentences. i rarely fall for guys, and already i can't get this boy out of my head. i called him earlier like he asked me to, and he sounded uninterested (or maybe just sober.) i'm tired of being disappointed.

i want adventures. i want love. i want to feel okay again.

i love fall.

there's something strangely inspirational about watching everything die.

...to keep waking up in the mornings searching for ways to bear the day.

last night

there was something intoxicating in the air last night.. it left my dreaming about laying in the grass/ankles crossed/gazing at the stars. i felt something i had been missing: excitement for being alive. not excitement for fast cars/fast boys/fast parties, but just enjoying the conversation, the music and the feeling of the pavement on the palms of my hands (and picking the gravel out when i stand up.)

i want to keep breathing the moment/the crisp air/the contentment and never exhale.

i'm going to see 'pedro the lion' tonite at sokol.

i've had two caramel machiattos today.

i've been listening to soul coughing religiously.

i just finished 'the virgin suicides' by jeffrey eugenides.

here's an excerpt:

we knew what it felt like to see a boy with his shirt off, and why it made lux write the name kevin in purple magic marker all over her three-ring binder and even on her bras and panties, and we understood her rage cming home one day to find that mrs. lisbon had soaked her things in clorox bleaching all the "kevins" out. we knew the pain of winter wind rushing up your skirt, and the ache of keeping your knees together in class, and how drab and infuriating it was to jump rope while the boys played baseball. we could never understand why the girls cared so much about being mature, or why they felt compelled to compliment eachother, but sometimes after one of us had read a large portion of the diary out loud, we had to fight the urge to tell eachother how pretty we were. we felt the imprisonment of being a girl, the way it made your mind active and dreamy, and how you ended up knowing which colors went together. we knew, finally, that the girls were really women in disguise, that they understood love and even death, and that our job was merely to create the noise that seemed to fascinate them.